Learning the basics about feeling home within ourselves

Early days in confusion

I am sitting on the couch, unchanged from last night, well fed and typing on my new laptop like I have always imagined. The only thing missing is a coffee. But it’s fine, I’ll be getting one soon.

I called my aunt a few hours ago, who in her whole life has been running here and there to ensure that everyone around her had a smooth life. When I told her how much I was enjoying not setting foot outside on weekends, she told me how she rarely got time just to herself in her life; how she now enjoys rare moments at home when her family goes out. It got me thinking. 

I never thought I was one to crave solitude. But I knew I didn’t hate it either. I guess, I was just confused about what I was feeling. All my life I had witnessed was people who thought being alone was bad. I had a friend who thought having lunch alone was so bad and it made her cry. People thought it was weird that I went on trips alone, and that I absolutely enjoyed those. I saw people cancelling their plans because the other person cancelled. Well, I know, there are things that you can’t go to, without another, such as couples therapy or chess. But I don’t see the need to cancel seeing a new place, because your friend had to cancel. Then, again, yeah, that’s not everyone’s way of looking at it, right?

Dreading being alone

I have always been with people, yet I used to feel so alone. In fact, when the time came for me to really be on my own aka alone, I was dead scared. I felt lost about how I would feel if I didn’t see the face of someone I love, when I got home. I hated how I felt when I had to say goodbye to the people, I spent time with on a Sunday, because I had to go back to my loneliness again. Because of the same reason, I started dreading meeting people in the first place.

Disconnected and disassociated

In fact, I had been feeling disassociated and disconnected way before I started living on my own. That’s a separate story. But, this time, the difference was, I was all alone. So, I had to deal with it. Earlier, I had more than enough distractions to deal with, so I really didn’t have to deal with why I was that disconnected from my own self. Actually, now come to think of it, I barely felt about myself as a separate own self.

Back to the point of the story.

So, this time I didn’t have enough distractions. The frustration and the anxiety started consuming me. I used to sleep as long as I could on weekends, and one day specifically, I remember, I was sick of it. I called my then boyfriend and started weeping. I just wanted the pain to end. Within the next few hours, because I couldn’t take sitting on the bed anymore (I was nauseous), I just got dressed up, and went out with no idea what I was going to do.

I hopped on the metro and reached the last metro station, because I had been wanting to get to that last station for a while, but I never did. As I walked out of the metro station, again with zero idea about where I was going, I saw a sign of a library that was 750m away from where I was.

I just walked to this wonderful place out of nowhere, and that walk actually made me feel better for some weird reason. I took a picture of my shadow to remember how I felt that day.

This day was my wake-up call. I had to do something. What? I didn’t know.

Flowing forth

After that day at the library, I knew that I could not continue living life the way I had been doing till that day. I knew that there was a lot of baggage that needed to be addressed, and that my life as a whole lacked clarity.

For the first time in a very long time, I decided that I needed help, and that I could not handle my baggage alone. So, I went to therapy. Fortunately enough, by this time, I was able to afford therapy.

During one session, what my therapist said hit the spot. She helped me see how stagnant I had become, because my environment was not what I idealized. Because of that reason I was refusing to allow myself to experience what actually was out there in my life at that point.

When the circumstances had already changed, my need to keep myself rooted to seeking familiarity in everything was holding me back. For example, I am by nature a very curious person, who loves exploring. I love strolling through streets, seeing people at work, looking at produce, products with no plan where I’ll end up. This was the same person who refused to step outside, because the city I lived in felt fully artificial. (Well, I still believe I had a fair reason, but, hey, that’s not the point, okay)

I slowly started considering changing my patterns. These were extra slow changes, especially because I wanted to understand my emotions and self-judgment as I felt these changes were huge challenges.

Going on a walk at the park needed quite some thought, and mental preparation, because I was actually challenging the idea: places in this city are artificial, thus, soulless. Tell me about being judgmental.

Slowly I started going out on coffee dates with my friend, and by myself. Sitting alone felt weird, but slowly it became liberating.

I would lie down on a green patch at the park and write my heart out in the journal, with no care about anything else.

The more I started looking into myself, the more I started feeling home within myself. I could sit with myself, and just look at the world flowing forth.

Solitude

Fast forward to 4 months, here’s how my life is now.

I look forward to Saturday mornings to have my solo-breakfast date.

I have my toast and coffee, with an episode of my favorite travel vlogger, and I am the happiest gal, out there.

I take a picture everyday before starting the breakfast, just to remember how content I feel in my own company. Looking back, I remember now, some of the most fulfilling memories in my life has been some moments I spent in solitude; like this one point I hiked one mountain by myself, and the time I took a train to a favorite hill country station, because I liked how the train station looked.

What I learned from my journey through loneliness and solitude

It is true that having nurturing relationships with people is important for a fulfilling life.

But, before living with other people, we must live with ourselves. I have to live with myself, and you have to live with yourself. It is the key to all the other relationships we have in our life. So, one fundamental step in learning to live with ourselves, is to enjoy our own company.

The biggest lesson for me has been that while life is full of changes and fluctuations, your presence is the only thing that will remain a constant in your life.

So, it is important that I am my best friend, and the biggest supporter.

Are you your own best friend?

Can we all be our own best friend?