Is your success a reaction or your authentic need?

Uncovering the True Source of Your Motivation

Have you ever wondered what truly drives you? 

Not the justification you give to yourself and to others, so that what you do makes sense in a more conventional setup. It is that deeper need or the simple reason that lies at your core. That very simple reason; that tiny voice in you that does not go away, that feels so basic it doesn’t even feel legitimate to say out loud or feels too silly (?). Though it is not always easy to accept this voice with open arms, that is your authentic motivation. 

Today, we’re diving deep into the source of our success and their long-term impact on our happiness.

The Power of Discouragement: Story Time

So, a few days ago, I happened to share one of those rather ‘too simple’ plans of mine with a few friends, and the barrage of doubt and discouragement I received was definitely a surprise. 

Given how differently we perceive life, I had expected some negative response, but the one I was hit with, was uncalled for. 

Here’s what happened. 

Me: “So I’m thinking of doing x, because I want to take the risk and see what’s on the other side.”

Them: 

“Have you lost your mind?” 

“You’re not strong enough to do that.”

“You’re not healed enough to do x.”

“I know you can’t do that because I know you.” 

I was shocked, hurt, and at the same time extremely calm (Yeah, even I was surprised). 

I didn’t feel the need to explain my decision.

It was so hurtful because of how harsh it was and how much their response lacked kindness and consideration (courtesy – my therapist). But, that’s not what I’m going to talk about in this post. 

Understanding Our Driving Forces

This experience made me think a lot about how we; the people respond to different forms of discouragement through our actions. 

I’m not talking about constructive criticism or feedback, which is immensely helpful to have perspective, and find direction in the things we do. Also, one could say that you actually need reality checks sometimes, and I 100% agree, and that’s also not what I’m talking about here. 

One of my favourite people on IG: Sadie Sanchez talks about the things that drive us in life in great detail (See her Reel here). There are a variety of things ranging from insecurities, struggle, pain, fear, to enjoyment, purpose, passion, curiosity, growth. 

In this post, we focus on how discouragement and deprivation can become powerful motivators.

Can you think of a situation where your dreams were the targets of word- missiles? 

Or a time where you just didn’t have the resources to pursue what you wanted? 

Has that lack driven you to acquire something at a later point? 

We tend to achieve things because, at some point in life, we were told we could not, or didn’t have those things for some reason.

Real-Life Examples of Reactive Success

• Creating calm: I love calm surroundings, because that is something I rarely had growing up. Now, I go to great lengths to ensure that my life in general is calm.  

• The First Car: I saw an fb post about the first car one person had just bought. He had written the story behind the car: how he had to struggle to find a vehicle when he had to get to the airport, and how his relatives who had vehicles turned him down. He wrote that this car was an answer to the people who turned their back on him when he had nothing. 

• Compensating for the past: Many of us try to make up for what we lacked earlier in life once we have the resources. Shopping, clothes, makeup.. you name it. 

So the rejection, the deprivation; not having what you wanted when you wanted drove you to have it at a later point. 

Fair enough, if you ask me. 

Okay, so…my point??

Two Paths to Success: Reaction vs. Authenticity

So I started thinking about what they said and what I could do about it; what my response could be to what they said. (In a way, this incident sparked curiosity in me on a different level – another option?) 

These are the options I saw:  

Option 1 – Doing what I planned to prove them wrong (to make a point) 

Option 2 – Doing what I planned anyway because that’s my plan 

Let’s explore these two options. 

Option 1 – Doing what I planned to prove them wrong 

In fact, this is what made me think about this whole thing.

What will I be doing? I will be doing what I planned. 

But for what? Because they said I can’t, I would do it to prove otherwise. To make a point? So, the intention behind my ambition and action now are different.  In that case, the intention behind my success too will be different. 

So what will happen? Of course I will do what I want. And I will expect these friends to see that, yeah? To make my point. 

What if they don’t notice it? Or they don’t say anything? What if what I achieve goes unnoticed by them? 

The scariest part: What if I in fact fail? 

Will I likely be overwhelmed by the fear of failing, because then they’ll get their “I told you so” moment?

So, what will be the gratification I get in all these moments? 

If I don’t get the external validation; aiming at which I did all these things for, how will that make me feel? 

Disappointment? Annoyance? Anger, perhaps? 

Or will I still be extremely proud of what I have done and achieved? 

Let’s look at how else the end result could go: 

So, they do notice my achievement.  Would they go about saying that they regret saying that I couldn’t, and can I expect them to apologise to me?  

I mean, if I want to be petty, there might be something. But to which extent? 

What does it actually bring me? 

There is nothing more than some more not-so-comfortable feelings for sure. 

I do have some friends who said it has in fact brought them a great sense of satisfaction, but they also said that rubbing it in others’ faces was secondary because the goal actually was to achieve it for themselves, as they realised at a later point in the journey. 

Option 2 – Doing what I planned anyway because that’s my plan 

I choose myself because that’s what I want. That’s what I’m looking forward to. I want to make the little girl in me who thought she didn’t matter,  happy.  I want to let her know that I see her, and that’s why I’m doing  what I’m doing. I do it myself, for myself. 

What if I fail? Well, it’ll suck, I’ll sulk for a bit  and then get back on trying. 

Will they get their ‘I told you so moment’? Yes, they will, but does that actually have any (I mean ANY) value or say on what you’re doing? 

No? Good, then, let’s get back on track. We have work to do. 

I can’t remember the number of times I have seen personal growth people on social media telling you to love yourself. I used to wonder what it meant because the idea was alien to me. But now that I have come a long way of learning and unlearning many things about life, now I can guarantee that it actually is true: When we fall in love with what we do in life, and who we are, that’s all that matters.

Can Self-Awareness Help? 

We all have different ways of life, and some have brilliantly figured those out for them, and some of us have not. We still go looking and learning, brilliantly or not-so-brilliantly, but we are on the journey. 

Everyone finds their own way eventually. When you find your own way, know the foundation on which your path is built. When you want to reach home by taking the highway,  you can’t expect a cart track. 

Throughout my journey, I have learnt that it is always better to be aware than not. While ignorance may be bliss, if you are inherently curious and always looking to make the unknown known, you will find it difficult to find that bliss.

If you are not sure where to begin with in your self discovery process, the best place is asking questions from yourself. Ask yourself why you are chasing the dream. Ask yourself what you really really want at the end. Ask yourself if achieving that goal will make you happy. Ask yourself whether you are happy now in the process. Ask yourself what you’ll do after you achieve your goal. Keep asking these questions, even when the answers are not necessarily of your liking, or when you don’t have answers. You will be amazed with what your inner self knows. 

Embracing Your Authentic Path to Success

So after many many days and hours spent thinking about this whole idea; this is what I have come to understand: 

If the source of your ambition and success is a reaction to discouragement you faced, it will probably still be a driving factor for you. However, it may not necessarily be a sustainable way to go about life because the roots of your success will always lie in other people’s opinions of you. 

 On the other hand, if you gain clarity about the roots of your goal and success, and learn what actually drives beyond the external discouragements, it can lead you to a goal that directs you to a profound and fulfilling path of experience.

Do you have any other ways to look at discouragements?

What’s your take on the roots of your success? Have you ever pursued success as a reaction to discouragement? How did it feel compared to following your authentic needs? 

I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments section. Just saying ; )